Luz: The Flower of Evil

Beautiful waffle.

The basic plot outline is a mad bam preacher has been kidnapping blond haired, blue-eyed boys and claiming they are Jesus returned. When they fail to live up to his Messianic standards, he declares them demons disguised as Christ, kills them and buries them in the yard.

No one in his brainwashed cult colony in the middle of shitkicker nowhere questions this, until the last one seems to bring with him back luck, which results in the destruction of the preacher’s family.

If that seems dramatic and compelling, it’s not. It’s 2 hours of beautiful shots while the voiceover goes on long, ponderous soliloquies, like, “What is man?

Pass.

Spookies

I’d never seen Spookies. A brilliant/awful sub-classic 80s horror that sits on the weirdness scale somewhere between Phantasm and Troll 2. Watching this will remind you just how accurate Garth Merenghi really is.

Spookies starts with two cars, one of cool kids, one of squares, getting lost and deciding to party in an old abandoned mansion. The leader of the cool kids is Duke, an Italian-American stereotype who drives a car with the vanity plate Psycho, and who dresses in a bunch of taped-together bin bags with a zip diagonally across the chest, like some kinda sash. His girlfriend is Linda with da big tiddies. They are accompanied with their comic-relief pal who has his own handpuppet he talks to. The main guy from the car full of squares is an actor who is clearly about 20 years older than the rest of the cast, yet is passed off as another teenager.

Together they face a cat-man with vampire teeth and a hook for a hand, dirt monsters that make fart noises, a Fiji mermaid Boglin, a geisha spider, the literal Grim Reaper and a bunch of zombies for good measure.

Mad as fuck.

Murder Me, Monster

Murder Me, Monster is a whole pile of nothing. The only interesting scene is when they finally find the monster and it has a prehensile dick for a tail and a fanny for a face. The main character fist fucks the monster’s face while it bums him with its tail. Nothing else happens in the movie and this scene adds nothing to actual explanation of what’s going on. Google that scene, don’t watch the film, not worth your time. 

Vampire Clay

Just out of Vampire Clay, which does exactly what it says on the tin. It’s a Japanese movie about man-eating clay, and that’s all you really need to know. It’s got the weird silliness and creepiness of Round The Twist, with aspirations to the special effects of something like The Thing or Evil Dead. It also weirdly reminded me of 80s Doctor Who horror episodes, but I’m not totally sure why.

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