A black and white Polish film about nuns. It’s about a novice, who finds out before she takes her vows that she is ethnically Jewish, and that her parents were killed in the Holocaust. She goes on a roadtrip with her only surviving relative, a lush partygirl aunt, to find her parents’ remains and decide who she is.

Well that was depressing. A long look at a family under the thumb of the paternal tyrant, who turns out to be a paedophile, to the surprise of absolutely no one. Grim.

The first scenes are so beautiful the rest of the film couldn’t help but be a let down. It was actually a bit hokey, despite excellent performances from Juliet Binoche and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (that’s Jaime Lannister to you and me). It’s about a photojournalist trying to get a good work-life balance, which is actually incredibly boring compared to the questions of culpability thrown up in the first scene.

Kinda went nowhere, but was enjoyable all the same, it’s best feature being Søren Malling’s performance.

All romances about bisexual threesomes should have a happy ending.

A tense psychological pressure cooker of a film that deals with horrifying truth that if you’re ever boarded by Somali pirates, your fate will be in the hands of a contract-negotiating, penny-pinching, pencil-necked businessman in a suit that costs more than your car, who has to answer to a board for how much he has spent on saving your life.

A long, slow, boring, French Wicker Man. The most entertaining scene is of a man who clucks at a chicken while it shits on a table.