Like my browser history, Benedetta is full of lesbian nuns. I know I’ve been down on the recent spate of lesbian period dramas, saying they were anemic and lacked fire. Well this one’s French, so it’s fun and sexy and silly and melodramatic. It’s great! Just total nonsense, like you want. Stow your moping, stow your ennui, give me shagging, fighting, and sooking the Virgin Mary’s titty. This film is so worth the ticket price. Treat yourself to a good night out.

The main character is Benedetta, a devoted convent nun, but not the boring kind. She seems to attract miracles showing she is favoured by God, like having a bird shit on guy she doesn’t like. When she meets Batholomea, this uncanny ability seems to go into overdrive.

Batholomea shows up doing peasant chic, and immediately catches Benedetta’s eye. She’s more worldly than her, and can tell instantly that there’s an attraction, and has no compunction about pursuing it. Benedetta is more hesitant. The turmoil of a lifetime of chastity mixes with her emerging sexual desire. Unsurprisingly, the mix of sex-starved women and oppressive religious atmosphere produces all sorts of crazy.

Benedetta starts to evidence the stigmata and replaces the consummate gem Charlotte Rampling as abbess. This gets her a private room for her and Batholomea’s assignations, but draws her into a world of church politics beyond her ken.

This film is great fun. Nowt po-faced about it. It revels in its telenovela ludicrousness. It’s hard to know what’s the best part – Jesus riding in on a white horse and beheading cunts like it’s Game of Thrones; Charlotte Rampling getting spritzed with breast milk; the Goodbye Horses crucifixion moment; or the Virgin Mary dildo.

It’s definitely the Virgin Mary dildo.

This has to be the only film where you can say the main character could have been saved by fisting.