A Quiet Place

What absolute gash.

Join the most achingly heteronormative family imaginable, with the mother barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen, and the dad whose entire character can be summed up as “No let family die”. Spent 2 hours hoping they’ll all get eaten as they plan the most infuriatingly stupid home birth since that dumb-arse bird tried to pop one out on The Walking Dead.

“Hey honey, I know our lives are put in jeopardy by the least sound, and civilisation has collapsed so there’s no medical care whatsoever, but let’s have a baby!”

“Yes, let’s! Because it’s not as if birth is dangerous at the best of times, much less under these circumstances.”

“Absolutely. I’ll knit a mobile for the baby, and display no sense of trepidation about this event which is likely to kill me. Feminine archetypes like myself are always serene in the face of self-sacrifice.”

“Fucking A doll, I’ll get back to hunting/wiring/soldering hearing aids. Whatever I can turn my hand to, which is literally anything. I have ALL the skills.”

“Yes, you do. While I do laundry. How fortunate for us. Now let’s dance to Neil Young songs.”

Eat their fucking baby!

They have a deaf daughter who they treat like a giant liability, and who they need to ‘fix’. She seems like the only halfway real person in the movie and I was hoping to see her Final Girl it over their corpses.

There’s no tension, I spent the whole film bored.

Fuck this entire movie.